i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
