Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
