Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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