I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
