im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
