i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
