Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
