The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
