my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
