Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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