I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
