having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
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Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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