Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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