Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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