I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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