You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
