I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
