I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
