I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
