So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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