if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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