if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
