I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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