Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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