im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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