I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
