She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
