Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
