If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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