I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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