Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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