I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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