Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
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I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
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When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.