My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
