Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
