I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
