You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
