My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
