omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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