You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
