Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Someone shattered a urinal.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
