I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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