i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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