I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
