you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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