I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize