wakey wakey hands off snakey
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
