he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
