rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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