so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
