It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
