Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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